Dealing With The Expectations of Others
My goal this month was to try and post at least once per week but life this month has been interesting to say the least. I have to bend my life around the schedule of a 90 year old woman and it hasn’t been an easy feat. I’m used to coming and going and doing as I please so suddenly having to schedule my activities around another person has been something of an adjustment. I still don’t have the hang of it.
Anyway, I didn’t want the month to end without getting in another post. So here I am at Border’s Books enjoying a coffee drink and freezing my buns off. Border’s now has free Wi-Fi but I suspect that to keep people from loitering and drinking all their Wi-Fi juice they crank up the a/c. Every time I come here it’s like 30 below freezing. I’m actually wearing a thick sweater. But I won’t complain. It’s free internet at my favorite bookstore which allows me to do what I love to do which is to write for my blog.
Unfortunately, all of my first draft posts are at home on my desktop computer so today I’m winging it. What’s a good topic? Oh I know. Dealing with other people’s expectations of me.
This topic has been on my mind for the last few weeks because of a clash of ideals I’ve been experiencing with a family member. For the past four years, in one form or another, we have been having the same conversation. The basic gist of it, or at least what I take away from it, is that this person wants me to be independent. Prior to living with my grandmother, I lived with this family member for some time. They feel that I should be living on my own and taking care of myself.
Now I fully agree with this sentiment. However, don’t think that I have been this deadbeat who has been mooching off of family members all of my life. Up until July 2009 I was gainfully employed (except for a month or two between jobs). I paid them rent. The problem was that I had created a situation where I needed to move in with them until I got back on my feet. Unfortunately, that ended up taking a lot longer than either one of us was expecting which, I suppose, contributed to the degradation of the relationship between us.
This is not a finger pointing post or a rant against my family. Looking at this situation from a more objective point of view, I realize that it was an experience I had to have in order to learn this lesson I’m about to share with you.
Like I said before, I agreed with them that I need to be independent. The problem is that they have this idea in their head about how I should live my life and they are upset because I will not conform to their ideals. My goal has always been to have a home based business. They think that I should go out, get a job and work my business on the side until it becomes profitable enough for me to quit my day job. That’s a good plan. That plan has worked for a lot of self-made millionaires. I tried following that plan for a number of years.
It didn’t work for me.
The only thing a job did for me was distract me from my greater purpose. Sure it paid the bills but it made me lazy and stunted my growth. I knew that the only way I would have the home business I wanted was if I quit my job and focused all of my attention on building it. However, because I was trying to live up to the expectations of my family, I continued working their plan but only experienced failure. It wasn’t until July 2009 that I began making any real progress.
In June 2009 I quit my job to move to Florida. Unfortunately (or rather fortunately in my view) I was unable to get a job. I think I have submitted over 200 applications and have gotten only 4-5 interviews for my efforts. Faced with a need for income, I turned my attention to building my business and for the first time experienced real success and progress towards my goals.
In December 2009, I stopped looking for a job and really focused on securing income as a self employed writer but still I felt a lot of fear about doing things “my way” versus “their way”. It wasn’t until I delved into the Abraham-Hicks book Money and the Law of Attraction that I finally understood what was happening and what I needed to do to get past my feelings about the situation.
In the book, Abraham talks about the fact that people look to us to bring ease and wellbeing to their lives. They want us to say things, do things and behave in certain ways so that they can feel good. A basic example is a person wants you to tell them you love them so that they can feel loved. Or someone wants you to clean your room so they can experience the wellbeing that having a clean house brings them.
This is a lose-lose situation. First of all, failure is inevitable. I learned that eventually a situation will occur where I have to choose between making them happy and my wellbeing. If I do what they ask, they will be happy but I will be miserable. If I do what I want, I will be happy but they will be miserable. And unless what I want is aligned with what they want, there will be times when I just can’t do it.
Secondly, feeling good is an inside job. When I project that responsibility outward, I am putting myself at the mercy of outside forces. People and circumstances won’t always go the way that I want them and basing how I feel on whether or not they do only dooms me to a roller coaster ride of emotional highs and lows.
I realized the reason I felt fear was because I wanted their approval so I could feel good about myself just as they wanted me to follow their “plan” so they could feel good. I understood that we had co-created a situation of emotional co-dependency on each other and that if I were to experience the success I wanted in life then I needed to put an end to these types of relationships beginning with this family member.
So almost like clockwork, this family member sent me an email that would have put me into a spinning frenzy of action to please them. But my new found knowledge made me understand that this emotional co-dependency was doing neither of us any good so I cut them off. The basic gist of my response was that I was moving in a new direction with my life and that I was no longer going to live my life trying to please them.
My response went over about as well as a lead balloon but I expected that. What I didn’t expect was to feel guilty about drawing the line in the sand. I feel like I hurt their feelings and that wasn’t my intention. At the same time, the relationship can not continue down the negative path it has been. That, I think, would have led to a permanent ending on bad terms. This way, maybe the relationship has a chance but on terms that is loving and supportive for both of us.
In my mind and spirit I know that taking back my power by ending my reliance on the behavior of others is the best path to take. My heart, however, is having a little trouble with it because I fear losing cherished relationships. But if those relationships are a source of pain and judgment rather than of love and support then do I really want them in the first place? What do you think?
(photo credit: icanhazcheezburger.com)
Thank the editor. Contribute to my Audi fund!Link to this post
Just copy and paste the code in the box. It will look like this:
Dealing With The Expectations of Others
8 Responses to “Dealing With The Expectations of Others”
About Me
I am a writer, thinker, info junkie and entrepreneur. Life is a puzzle adventure and I'm on a mission to uncover all its hidden treasures. Come explore with me.
I am the founder and owner of Omnithinker Media, a collection of websites that provide information and tools to help you Live Delish and Create the Life You Want.
I also offer professional writing services at my business site Delish iBusiness.
"A man with no fear is a truly free man"
Subscribe
Get updates by RSS
Take it as part of the challenge. Always remember to learn and evolve for the better. Work on your goal everyday even if there are distractions, it may be hard at first but nothing will happen if you allow yourself to be distracted. Success is a thorny path to venture, but we are all given the capacity to pass over it.
I’m sorry things got that bad in that relationship. When we were both in our 20s, I used to worry about a young relative and tried to “take care of her” with boring advice, but she gently and FIRMLY told me that it was her life, her bills, etc., and hers alone to worry about. I was left with no doubt that she didn’t want me worrying or meddling – but that I was welcome to have a friendly relationship of equals with her – sans advice or nagging. It hurt my feelings for a while, but I chose to save the relationship and keep my opinions to myself. I hope your relative will learn to do likewise – so she can have you in her life.
I think there’s a lot of truth to what you say. I’m not in the same exact situation as you’re in, but I have felt that pressure of other people’s expectations. And usually they want you to do the things that they do, and live the life that they have. Make the choices they did.
But this is really bad advice because life isn’t one size fits all. And our hearts, minds and souls are unique so why should the same things make us happy?
I think it’s really brave (and smart!) of you to want to travel on your path. One of my favorite inspirational quotes is “Only the heart sees rightly” from the Little Prince and I truly believe it.
p.s: I love Abraham Hicks! I read the book last year and I just couldn’t put it down.
@Walter
Thanks for the advice. Yes I’m working on becoming a more focused person. I picked up this bad habit of multitasking that I’m working to break. I find that I am able to get things done more quickly if I am able to focus solely on one thing at a time. It’s a challenge but I’m making it through.
@ Christie
Hi Christie
That’s awesome that you were able to maintain your relationship with your relative. I know they do it out of love rather than malice which is why I have hope for the relationship. I think like you and your relative, we just have to redefine our relationship. I think eventually they will come around. It’s just going to take a little time.
@ LazyGirl
Thanks LazyGirl! That’s a wonderful quote. I agree, life isn’t one size fits all. It wasn’t meant to be. One day I just really understood that everyone is walking their own journey and that is how it was meant to be. Unfortunately we get caught in modes of thinking that don’t really serve us well and living based on the expectations of others is one of those things. Since I’ve been working to drop that from my mindset I’ve felt both freedom and anxiety. Freedom because now I get to choose what I want to do and anxiety because I’m trying to negotiate my current relationships with this new way of thinking. It’s interesting so far.
I love Abraham Hicks too. I watch and rewatch their videos on YouTube all the time. Another good author is Don Miguel Ruiz. He wrote The Four Agreements and has a new book out called The Fifth Agreement that I just finished reading. Excellent book. If you really want to get a deeper understanding of life I highly recommend The Fifth Agreement.
Thanks Arwen for the recommendation on Don Miguel Ruiz. I just googled his name and found a really great interview of his (http://www.spiritofmaat.com/archive/apr1/ruiz.htm). I love reading new viewpoints like this. I just might try to get a copy of the book you mentioned. Thanks again!
Thanks Arwen for the recommendation on Don Miguel Ruiz. I just googled his name and found a really great interview of his (http://www.spiritofmaat.com/archive/apr1/ruiz.htm). I love reading new viewpoints like this. I just might try to get a copy of the book you mentioned. Thanks again!